I feel I've grown up too fast. Not because I feel old. [I don’t know how to describe “old” anymore. Time & Perception seem so amorphous & vague; I will never be able to refer to them with any certainty.] It is because my life has flashed by and I’m trapped in an illusion chasing after Time with a frantic desperation.
I’m standing at the edge of a rickety bridge connecting my
Now to my Future and all I can see is a maddening medley of rediscovered wants
& desires vanishing into a haze. There is no horizon and no pathway leading
up to where I am standing or who I am today. I try to piece together what could
have led me to be the person I am today and led the others to a different shade
of humanity. But the harder I struggle with the answers, the faster the pieces
crumble in my hands. The bridge appears more & more to be a pier leading
into a whirlpool of shimmering mirages & it is unsettling that I’m alone in
each of them. Any alteration to the lone figure dissolves them into gaping
holes & the bridge turns into a chasm.
I suppose I would like to reach a point in my life where I
don’t want things to change anymore, where I’m content with the firm ground
beneath my feet and I no longer want to cross shaky bridges across the yawning
gaps between my dreams & my reality.
That I would love to settle down in the quietude of that point & rest my
anxiety.
But would I still be alive if there were no bridges to cross
& no mirages to congeal? Would I love to exist?
